THREE FINAL STORIES---SOME GOOD FOR ME AND ONE BIG OUCHIE.
2003 NLCS
CUBS VS. MARLINS
The cubs are loaded with KERRY WOOD and MARK PRIOR and SAMMY SOSA and all sorts of macho guys including one of the worst post-season managers in baseball history, DUSTY BAKER. The cubs are 3-1 favorites to win the series so of course, i'm all over the marlins but after four games, i'm in trouble after the cubs win three of those.
Game 5 has the cubs a -260 favorite to win and advance to the world series. I back up my series bet by pounding the marlins and the cub bats promptly go silent with just 2 hits in a 4-0 marlin victory. ON TO WRIGLEY!
Game 6 has MARK PRIOR as a -320 favorite and i can't get my money down fast enough because i figure its going to be a tight game and dusty baker will find some way to screw things up and the old dust bag came thru for me in the eighth inning when with one out and the cubs leading 3-0 with a runner on second, the famous STEVE BARTMAN play happened and MOISES ALOU threw a tantrum out in left field.
Then prior, a rookie, on the very next pitch, walks the batter while throwing a wild pitch. Runners on first & third....surely dusty goes to the mound to settle his pitcher. NOPE.
The nephew is with me and sucking down a vodka rocks and begins chewing the ice.
Then PUDGE RODRIGUEZ singles to left to drive in a run, making it 3-1 and it's obvious that it's time to bring in relief pitcher KYLE FARNSWORTH but nope. Dusty is still missing in action. Even my boot licking cubbie blue nephew is wondering 'where's dusty?' and orders a double vodka.
Finally, MIGUEL CABRERA hits a 2 hop double play ball to the BEST DEFENSIVE SHORTSTOP in the league but he boots the ball and everyone is safe and the bases are loaded. Thank you for a great performance, mark prior, and enjoy your shower. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! dusty has apparently been attacked by MR. FREEZE from the BATMAN series. he doesn't freaking move off the bench.
The nephew orders another double vodka and threatens the vendor' life if it's not a "good pour."
DUSTY BAKER, WHERE ARE YOU????
Then DERON LEE whacks a double to tie the game AND GUESS WHAT? dusty shows up but it's too late. Even with the score tied, every cub fan is catatonic after two more walks, a bases clearing double and a run scoring single. MARLINS WIN 8-3. ON TO GAME 7.
The oddsmakers still believe the cubs (FOOLS!) and make them and KERRY WOOD -300 favorites to win the game and i bet everything i won on games 5 & 6 and sit back with the hungover nephew to witness the carnage. As usual, the cubs teased their fans and led 5-3 in the third inning but lost 9-6 and blew a great chance to go to the series.
DANCING IN THE STREETS FOR UNCLE DAN. A silent limo ride home with the tortured nephew.
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2005
KENTUCKY DERBY
I have no great love for any of the horses so i bet jockey MIKE SMITH who always gives a professional ride and you get your money's worth. GIACOMO is 50-1 and i'll need a fast race for him to have a chance as the front runners tire because of the pace.
Now sitting at OTB with all the other degenerate hopefuls, i run into a handful of attorneys that i did battle against in the court system many times and we exchange high fives and start telling courtroom lies and we're just having a ball when i ask who they have. I get like nine answers so i know they are just there for the party but the one horse they are all betting on is CLOSING ARGUMENT at 35-1 and they harass me until i go to the window and bet their horse, which i do to place and just before i leave the window, i bet an EXACTA 10-18. They're all dogging me for betting their horse to finish second but after i explain GIACOMO, they understand and it's more beverage time.
AND THEY'RE OFF!! and both horses immediately disappear from the tv screen. UGH.
They run a very fast quarter mile and then the announcer says they were the second fastest in history to the half mile pole. NOW I'M INTERESTED because i need the fast pace for my come-from-behinder.
Closing argument appears in sixth place and moving up steadily so now i may have a winning ticket with him and finally at the 3/4 pole, i can at least see my horse in the middle of the pack, ten horses back and closing argument is on the outside four wide.
AND DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!!!!!
Closing argument is battling for the lead and suddenly GIACOMO, easy to spot wear bright green silks, begins bobbing and weaving, inside then outside and then FAR outside to draw clear of the huddle and now it's FIVE WIDE for a moment before two horses tire and once again, OTB IS HOOTIN AND A HOLLERING!!!!!! as CLOSING ARGUMENT, GIACOMO and FLEET ALEX are stride for stride and at the finish line it's ...........GIACOMO!!!!! at 50-1!! And damned if CLOSING ARGUMENT doesn't win a photo and finish second. YAKAPOOLAH!!!!
The lawyers are dancing around like they just won a murder conviction (only prosecutors in this group) and i have tears in my eyes and the anticipation of the payoff announcement is killing me. Now i'll give you a taste of the payouts:
For a $2 ticket, GIACOMO PAID $102.60
And i can tattle on the lawyers because they all had $20 tickets on CLOSING ARGUMENT which paid $70 for a two dollar bet so they all won $700. I had a $50 ticket and won $1750.00 on their horse.
Ok, here's the EXACTA definition and payout. Both horses have to finish in EXACT order of your wager, which was horses 10-18. a $2 exacta bet paid $9,814. 80. a very good afternoon.
And yes, i bought them all dinner and drinks and paid for a safe ride home for all of them.
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Ok, cub fans, here's the final story when the north siders got their revenge on me.
2016
WORLD SERIES
The cubs are heavy favorites again so i bet the CLEVELAND INDIANS because again the cubs are managed by the most over rated manager in the history of baseball who is known for making strange decisions and things are looking simply rosy after the cubs spit up three of the first four and only have one game left in WRIGLEY FIELD.
This time i take the other boot licking cub fan nephew on a very pleasant autumn night, perfect for watching , ONCE AGAIN, cub fans crying in the streets. I make a nice bet to go along with my series bet but alas, my fun would have to wait as the cubs rallied for a 3-2 win and cost me a couple of bucks. A very interesting managerial decision had JOE MADDON let closer AROLDIS CHAPMAN pitch 2 2/3 innings of relief and throw the ball 42 times. we'll see.
Game 6 brings out the total moron in maddon as he brings in chapman to pitch with a SEVEN RUN LEAD and he throws 20 more pitches and barely avoids injury on a play at first base. Cubs win 9-3 and steal more money from uncle dan. But now it's time to back up your series bet by loading up on cleveland for GAME 7.
Sitting in the FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE for game 7, i watch the cubs build a 6-3 lead going into the eighth but then the MORON makes a move that made every cub fan slap their foreheads and puts a smile on my face as he brings in chapman AGAIN.
He's thrown 62 pitches in the last two games and he's got to be out of gas and believe me, there's a huge difference between 102 mph and 97 and the Indians immediately proved my point by hitting a double and then a home run to tie the game. JACOBS FIELD IS ROCKING and uncle dan is warming up for the happy dance in the bay window. 6-6 !!
Chapman is crying on the bench and the cubs look like they have serious migraines. Now the incredible part is that after the side is finally retired and the game eventually heads to the bottom of the ninth, despite chapman crying on the bench and obviously having nothing left in the tank, moron sends chapman back in to pitch.
But the world series had an issue with uncle dan warming up too soon and they let chapman get three outs and force extra innings, although current cub JASON KIPNISS sent one to the wall. momentum was still seriously on the side of the Indians but the gods also had a way of dealing with that. RAIN.
Seventeen minutes of rain to be exact and in that time, the cubs settled down with a team meeting and regained their composure. They score two runs and that was that. The wallet and my heart were both emptied and my hatred for the cubs magnified ten fold. AAAARRRRRHHHHGGGGG
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