ok, ladies, your turn to laugh at the boys. i've been saving these until i had enough.
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JIM RIVERS  of HAZARD, KENTUCKY was arrested for DUI for driving his newly purchased car in reverse down a state highway. rivers had just purchased the vehicle for five hundred dollars "as is" which apparently means you only get two tires. when asked why he was driving in reverse (at 30 mph), rivers stated that his new car was just too hard to steer going forward with no tires.
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PETE ZRBA of NEW JERSEY was arrested for burglary when police found him inside a fenced in new car parking lot being tossed around by a ninety pound doberman. zrba said he wasn't there to steal but rather to play with the dog. zrba'a problems started when he hit the ground on the wrong side of the fence and the dog came out from under a car. in addition, zrba only weighs 115 pounds.
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JIM SHAYS of PHOENIX got in trouble when he was showing his friends in his back yard how good he was as a 'quick draw' artist when he shot himself in the foot ........(get ready for this one)  TWICE! shays apparently grazed himself the first time when his finger caught on the trigger while drawing and it discharged and then got mad when his friends started to trash talk so he got back up, drew the weapon again and promptly put a .44 caliber round right through the middle of his right foot.  so what's the problem?  turns out jim is a two time convicted felon and owning guns & ammo is a big no-no.
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BERNARD BARNARD of ORLANDO(no, i didn't make up this name)told everyone at the local SUBWAY that he had a gun and came behind the counter as the employees backed into a corner. one employee opened the cash register but the 400 pound barnard was only interested in the bread & meats and didn't take a dime. 

after emptying the front display case of all the meat and the bread warmer of 25 loaves, he ran out the front door. the police arrived and were told barnard had headed west. they found first one loaf on the sidewalk and then a half block later, another and then ....well, you get the picture. the trail of loaves ended by an askew sewer cover and barnard was found sitting at the bottom of the ladder enjoying his cold cuts in the sewer.
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WILLIAM JEFFERS was arrested in CLEVELAND trying to use bogus tickets to enter a ball game that he made at home on his computer.  a sharp ticket agent saw that INDIANS was spelled INDIENS and notified security.
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HANS DIMITRI of LOS ANGELES was arrested for shoplifting when a butcher watching thru the two-way glass saw dimitri stuff some steaks down the front of his pants. when the officers happened to bring up the mirror, hans was stunned. "i thought they put that mirror there so women could check their hair and makeup."
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and finally, LAMONE STAGS (again, not made up) of CHICAGO got in big trouble for impersonating a police officer when he honked his horn repeatedly and forced a car to the side of the road. wearing a white shirt & tie, stags walked up to the second car and flashed a badge while identifying himself as a police officer and told the driver that he had gone thru a stop sign and he would have to post a cash bond to be released. 

the driver gave stags fifty bucks and stags told him to stay in the car while he writes him up. the driver obeyed and as stags returned to give him the ticket (from a old ticket book he found in a dumpster) 3 chicago squads came screaming up to the scene. turns out stags had stopped the DISTRICT COMMANDER of area 9 who was on his way in to work. this was stags' 4th arrest for the same offense.
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AIN'T US MEN PRETTY SHARP?  bye for now