TIDBITS

we all worry about our weight when the new year begins and struggle trying to lose those winter inches but i'm going to share with you a guaranteed way to lose weight in a very short amount of time.  as follows:  

wake up saturday at two in the morning covered in sweat with your stomach doing flip-flops. proceed to the bathroom where you drop to your knees and pray to the porcelain god with projectile vomiting for the next twenty minutes before collapsing and discovering how nice a cool bathroom floor feels against your temperature ravaged body.

on your hands & knees, crawl back to the bedroom and pull yourself back into bed and try to relax while your stomach muscles cramp intermittently for the next twelve hours.  oh, and don't forget to drag the waste basket with you so you can continue praying bedside and avoid the return trip to the bathroom.  the porcelain gods apparently don't mind.

repeat this procedure over & over & over for the next 72 hours and alternate between your temperature being 5 degrees over your norm and laying with ice bags on your head and neck in an attempt to keep your face from melting with chills so bad that you shake hard enough to spill a glass of water when you attempt to drink.

make sure you add in all the other discomforts of flu such as headache, muscle ache, major league sweating, zero appetite and of course, all the biological discomforts known to man and when you stand on that scale tuesday morning, SEVEN POUNDS will have disappeared! see how easy that was?  no working out, no crazy dieting, no healt clubs, just all natural arithmetic.

i don't normally do public service announcements but here's my best effort.

now that i've returned to the living and had time to think about it, i don't think i've ever had the flu before although i've made the statement "i had a touch of the flu or i had the 24 hour flu." NO SUCH THING.  the flu will normally last for 4-7 days and even after the bad stuff disappears, you still have zero energy and 'elvis' legs.'  15 hours + of sleep per day becomes normal.



WARNING: when a flu victim is sleeping, it's a welcome respite from the illness. god forbid, don't wake him to see if he needs anything. the phrase 'justifiable homocide' jumps into my mind immediately.

a bad cold is not the flu but can also be nasty.

 yesterday, i did my homework on the flu and you have to have most of the symptoms to qualify and MOST TIMES, it starts with a headache, which is what i had on thursday & friday.  i chalked it off to the warmer weather and the catch-all for everyone.....sinuses.    surprise!

bottom line....in the winter, our houses in the midwest are shut up tight for the better part of five months and we become like a giant petrie dish and a breeding place for germs & bacteria. 

#1 helper: hand sanitizer. carry it with you and DON'T shake hands with anyone.  fist bumps are very fashionable. if someone offers an open hand, just say "i'm fighting a cold and don't want to pass it on but it's nice to meet you."

#2  sanitizing wipes.  worth their weight in gold. items to wipe down every day: telephones, remotes, refrigerator handles, cabinet handles and door handles. on-off switches. alarm board panels.  

and don't forget the interior of your car. while germs don't live long term in the cold, they can definitely be transferred short term. wipe down the dash, steering wheel, radio buttons and door handles. keep a container of wipes in the car. have your kids wipe down 'their' door before exiting the car because all children are walking petrie dishes.

#3  aeresol spray sanitizer.  this is perfect for spraying down sinks, bathroom areas and counter tops.

well, my bed is calling me back for another visit but at least the waste basket is back in it's regular place. see you in a few hours.