Some people have asked me why I'm telling these stories and for some reason, I just think it's time. I want you all to know that i'm sharing stories about gambling because we've all won and we've all lost and it makes no difference how much money is involved because a ten dollar loss can hurt just as much as a thousand because everything is relative to you and your current financial situation. I share because they're all fond memories and although some were very painful at the time, such is the life of a gambler. enjoy.
Ok, i'll give you cub fans some giggles to start my degenerate gambling history column. WARNING: REMEMBER THAT GAMBLERS FREQUENTLY USE BAD LANGUAGE AND I'M NO EXCEPTION but if that doesn't bother you, read on.
*******
On August 12, 2018 a good WASHINGTON NATIONALS team with MAX SCHERZER on the mound is in Chicago to face the cubs on sunday night baseball. The cubs by this time of the season are running out of gas and just bobbing in the water, hoping to get a wild card berth. They're desperate for pitching and they recently signed veteran lefty COLE HAMELS who has been pretty good in his first two starts for the north side.
MAD MAX is working his way towards a 4th cy young award and hasn't lost in six weeks. The wind is blowing in over the center field wall and the humidity is only 38% so the baseballs will be flattened out when hit in the air. To show you how badly the cubs were struggling, max is a -140 favorite IN WRIGLEY FIELD but there's no way i lay that at urine field so i take the under 7 at +105 and settle in with a large popcorn to watch hamels & max duel it out.
This is easy money for Uncle Dan!!! I watch scherzer befuddle the cubs on 3 hits thru 7 shutout innings with 11 strikeouts but that little prick Hamels responds with ONE HIT and 9 k's but the NATS lead 1-0 and both guys are done for the night and it's time for the horror show known as BOTH TEAM'S FREAKING BULLPENS.
The 8th is uneventful but the nats get some breathing room in the 9th with 2 runs off the cubs relievers, as expected, and the cubs have the lower half of the order coming up trailing 3-0. Looking good.
Heyward gets a one out single and almora gets hit by a pitch just before schwarber fouls out. two down. strikeout, fly out, ground out, force out, whatever works to get the third out but that cocksucker RYAN MADSEN hits another batter and loads the bases. That bad feeling in my stomach is happening again as i slink down in my recliner waiting for the inevitable. The espn announcer drives the final nail in my coffin by stating, "well, pinch hitter DAVID BOTE is just looking for a base hit because nothing is going deep with the wind blowing in." BOOM! a fucking 430 foot home run to dead center field, wind be damned, cubs win 4-3 and FYI.......an even 7 runs isn't UNDER 7, now is it? As the cubs celebrate, i'm looking for madsen's home address so i can burn his house down.....AFTER i punch him in the mouth and kick him in the gonads.
19 days later, he was traded to his third team that season and he was out of baseball a year later. A little late for uncle dan but if i ever see him in the crosswalk at an intersection.......... fuck him.
*******
1990
KENTUCKY DERBY I would always work whatever overtime was available in March & April and all that money went to bet on the derby. The amounts obviously varied but i always had enough to make straight and gimmick bets to my heart's content. The key of course, is to pick the winner and then combine him with the gimmick bets to make large coin but ya gotta win first. But this year, i truly can't find a horse sitting at OTB in Waukegan and it's getting close to post time and i want to avoid the last minute rush so i have to do something soon.
So i read the story in the digest that jockey PAT DAY abandoned UNBRIDLED in order to ride co-favorite SUMMER SQUALL despite winning the florida derby with unbridled. So with the clock ticking, i put most of my money 'to win' at 11-1 on UNBRIDLED and then made a handful of gimmicks and now it was time to light a cigar and watch the race. (yes, you could still smoke at otb). I sit down next to a large black lady whose name is MATILDA and she ALSO has a ticket on UNBRIDLED because she wants to see that mother fucker pat day lose a paycheck for switching horses. good reasoning.
Right away, i'm in trouble as unbridled gets caught up in the 20 horse field at the start of the race and Matilda yells a nasty word but no one cares because it's otb and we're all used to those utterances but at the first turn, the pack thins and at least i can see my horse running eleventh with the enemy, summer squall in 6th. unbridled slowly makes his way up the pack until he sits just behind squall and the hair on my neck is standing straight up because even after the early trouble, now i think i have a shot at it.
Now the final turn in the derby is always a wide one as packed horses have just one more chance to break free and head for home and just prior to the turn, at the exact same time, both horses break wide and now the race is on!!! six wide and pandemonium breaks out at otb with everyone on their feet whoopin' and a hollerin' and Matilda is yelling stuff that i simply cannot understand but at least i know who she's rooting for (or against)!!
Both horses stay wide and run down REAL CASH and co-favorite MR. FRISKY with about 150 yards to go and then it's UNBRIDLED vs SUMMER SQUALL in the run for the roses!!! neck & neck for a short while, UNBRIDLED found another gear and stormed to a 3 length victory and Uncle Dan was doing the happy dance WITH MATILDA at otb. YOWSA!
There was a photo hanging in the trophy case for years at otb of me hugging Matilda and doing our victory dance. Unbridled paid $23.60 for a two dollar bet and Matilda had a twenty dollar ticket and was going to be living large that evening. (Last i saw her, she had a cold bottle of Budweiser in each hand)
my payday?? was good enough so that on monday morning, i went and paid cash for a brand new KAWASAKI 1500 full dresser motorcycle at Nielsen's. Nothing better than plunking down cash and having zero payments.
FOOTNOTE: Not only was UNBRIDLED a champ on the track, he also had 437 girlfriends off the track who produced 183 more winners. He is also the last derby winner to sire another kentucky derby winner,1986 winner GRINDSTONE, and the last to sire winners of the BIG 3 races, Kentucky derby, Preakness and the Belmont stakes. Remember the big win i wrote about with MINE THAT BIRD??? well, UNBRIDLED was his great great grandfather. How's that for champion lineage? great horse.
*******
Remember my opening of this column where i said that everything was relative regarding money? Here is a perfect example. UNCLE JACK was my favorite human being on the planet and because his only son had passed away at a young age, he kind of took me under his wing, especially when he discovered my love of numbers and gambling. One autumn day, uncle jack calls me and says he has a 'lock' on a harness race at old MAYWOOD PARK. Now i don't like betting on harness races because they remind me of donkeys chasing carrots and i don't think it's very exciting and rumors are constantly floating around about whether it's on the up and up.
But it's UNCLE JACK calling!!! so i meet him there and have a great time listening to his stories until the 7th race comes around where we can't lose! Now I have $42 to my name. Not $42 in my pocket but $42 to my name. total. no more. no bank account. no checking account.
Uncle Jack has me totally convinced that this 18-1 shot is our road to financial independence soooooooooo I plunk down forty bucks on the nose of this donkey. and they're off!!!!
Donkey starts off well and sits third on the outside and stays there coming to the backstretch. I'm feeling good because the information we have is that the donkey will make a late surge after sitting third or fourth most of the race. And here comes the donkey!!!!! The driver has put the whip to him and he moves up to second and we can actually hear the whip cracking as he TAKES THE LEAD WITH JUST 50 YARDS TO GO and then........the fucking horse breaks stride!!
For the uninitiated, in harness racing the horse is required to trot in a particular sequence and if he breaks stride, the jockey required to pull to the outside and regain proper stride WITHOUT gaining ground in the race. It's kind of like losing your rhythm when you're dancing and having to re-establish your footwork.
UNCLE JACK loudly yells you 'fucking thief' as the horse finishes 6th and throws his glass of scotch (you know he was pissed if he wasted scotch) so i have to follow suit but i don't have a drink........so i respond by throwing my hot dog.......... and it hits some lady right in the head.....and she slowly turns and looks for the offender with a Darth Vader death stare. I, of course, grow chicken feathers and i'm also looking for the imaginary offender.
After a while, i'm feeling guilty and I start to make my way down to apologize when Uncle Jack grabs my arm and says "bad idea. she'll live....and her husband is coming back and he weighs about 300 pounds and looks like a biker. It's bad enough we lost all of our money. We don't need to get our asses kicked on top of it. It's time to cut our losses. we are adios." And i live like a homeless person the rest of the week on two bucks.
End of story. 'Sure things' aren't always so sure, even if your favorite uncle says so and 'cutting your losses' is a pretty good idea. R.I.P. Uncle Jack
*********
I have 3 more stories that i will tell you next time. Enjoy the day.
